I don't really want to put pen to paper.
Don't want to do anything.
No matter what I do, I don't feel happy.
The enthusiasm is completely gone.
Life is so boring, so empty, so exhausting, so painful.
There's nothing I particularly like or hate.
Not even the slightest desire.
But none of the things that should have been done were accomplished.
I spent all night drawing memories of the past and then shedding tears at the drawing paper.
I don't know why I paint, because it can never be put down and the painting stays there forever.
Emotions, personality, and preferences are unstable.
Emotions have been up and down for weeks and I can't remember what came before.
Can't stop crying all the time.
Sometimes they hit themselves.
Lonely enough to wish to split off another to be with me.
I really don't want to live anymore.
Dear friend, thank you so much for your willingness to share your inner feelings. I can understand that you are going through extreme pain, loneliness and despair right now, and to be able to talk about these emotions shows that you have a lot of courage inside you.
From your description, it seems that you may be in a period of low mood and may even be involved in depressive symptoms. In this situation, a person loses interest in life and feels that everything is meaningless.
You mentioned that you cry a lot and beat yourself up, these are outward signs of inner pain. In the face of these, we can take one step at a time to ease the pain and find hope.
First of all, I want to tell you that you are not alone. Many people struggle with similar emotions and that feeling of helplessness and emptiness is real and deserves to be heard.
Seeking professional help is a critical step. A counselor or psychiatrist can assess your condition and offer psychotherapy or medication options.
If you already have a counselor, continue to keep in touch with them and express your dilemma openly. They can give you professional guidance.
Despite feeling lonely, try to find people around you to support you. Family, friends or coworkers, even a simple chat can bring warmth. If it's hard to talk, send a message or write a letter to create a support system.
Taking care of your physical health is also important. Emotions and the body are connected, and making sure you get enough sleep, eat regularly, and exercise in moderation, such as walking, can boost your mood. Avoid too much caffeine and alcohol.
Setting small goals and daily structure can help you slowly get out of a slump. When you're depressed, tasks can seem overwhelming. Try accomplishing a little something each day, such as a regular wake-up time, a chore or a relaxation exercise, and feel a sense of accomplishment with each bit you accomplish.
Expressing emotions is effective self-healing. It's great that you're releasing memories with drawings. You can also keep a journal to record your feelings to help clear your mind and vent your pain.
Trying new activities may lead to positive changes. Even if there is no enthusiasm, exposure to new hobbies or skills, such as learning or volunteering, may reveal new pleasures.
Be gentle with yourself. Emotional recovery takes time, don't blame yourself. Accept vulnerability and allow for mood swings, it's normal.
Focusing on the future and hope can give you motivation. Even though it feels dark now, believe that the dawn will come. Imagine your future self free from pain and this will motivate you to persevere.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact the Crisis Intervention Hotline or EMS immediately, they offer 24-hour help.
Your feelings matter and your presence matters. With the right help, you can get through this and find meaning again. Please don't give up and I wish you the best of luck in finding your inner peace and strength soon~
