Hi teacher! Recently I've realized that I've been getting more and more critical of my boyfriend, and it's making me extra vulnerable and irritable on the inside.
For example, I get upset when he drinks late; I can't help but lose my temper when I see him joking around with his female coworkers.
Even when he doesn't return my messages, I get incredibly anxious.
I knew it was my emotions playing tricks on me, and I knew that it was that inward feeling of powerlessness that was behind it.
But what am I supposed to do? I can't control how hard I am on him and I can't let myself go, it's really painful.
Dear friend, I can especially understand what you are feeling right now when I read your outpouring. In an intimate relationship, finding yourself becoming more and more critical of your partner while being surrounded by negativity is a feeling like falling into a vortex that leaves you breathless, and my heart really goes out to you.
Your ability to be acutely aware of your emotional issues and to realize that behind the harshness may be an inner sense of powerlessness has been an amazing step forward. Many people are still confused, and you have bravely taken the first step of self-reflection.
From a psychological perspective, these emotional reactions of yours are actually well documented. In intimate relationships, we often have high expectations of our partners because we all desire to be loved and valued. When the other person's behavior doesn't meet expectations, disappointment and anger tend to bubble up. For example, if you are upset that he is drinking late, you may subconsciously be worried about his health and want him to take care of himself, but his behavior breaks that expectation.
You mentioned losing your temper because he was joking with a female coworker, which is often related to security. In terms of evolutionary psychology, we are instinctively wary of potential threats in a relationship. Even just ordinary interactions can trigger fear of loss and trigger strong emotions.
And the fact that you are unusually anxious when he ignores you shows that you value the relationship. Attachment theory tells us that if you don't feel secure enough in your early upbringing, you are prone to show dependence and anxiety in close relationships as an adult. When the other person doesn't respond in a timely manner, you get restless and wonder if you are still loved.
You say that not being able to control being demanding and not being able to let yourself go is a common dilemma for many people. The essence of being harsh on the other person is that you want to fulfill your own needs by changing them. But everyone is an individual, overly demanding will only bring pressure, but hurt feelings.
At the same time, not letting yourself go makes you more miserable. In fact, it's because you have a beautiful vision of your relationship and want everything to be perfect, but the reality gap is causing you to fall into self-doubt.
How do you get out of this funk? First, learn to accept your emotions. Don't beat yourself up; emotions aren't right or wrong, they're just internal signals. When you're irritable or anxious, try saying to yourself, "I'm allowing myself to feel these feelings, it's normal."
Adjust your expectations of your boyfriend. See him as an individual, not as a perfect partner. It's okay to communicate your feelings openly, such as gently voicing your discomfort when he sees a female coworker joking around, but don't point fingers; instead, express a desire for him to be more considerate of you.
Also, it's important to improve your sense of security. Look back at your upbringing, find factors that affect your sense of security, and try to heal. Boost your self-confidence through self-affirmation and developing hobbies; relationships will be more comfortable when you're strong inside.
For emotional management, when emotions are about to get out of control, try deep breathing, meditation or exercise, these can help you calm down and deal with problems more rationally.
Don't forget to take care of yourself. Outside of the relationship, set aside time to do things you enjoy and make life richer so you don't become overly dependent on the other person.
I'm sure that if you are willing to work on it, you will be able to get out of your emotional rut and have a healthier and better relationship. I wish you well!
